Michelle's Journal

I've been away from this journal for a long while. I'm not even quite sure how to begin an entry. A friend suggested to me when I was back in Ontario on the weekend that I ought to start it up again. I guess with everything I was going through last spring, I just couldn't write - too much to do and too many feelings.

But it feels like spring in Vancouver today. And I'm getting back to the things that matter to me and help me stay grounded. I suppose this is one of those things.

I don't know how to begin an update since last May... So much has happened! I imagine no one even checks this anymore. And anyone who matters knows what the recent months have entailed for me...

My last trip back to Ontario last weekend for JJ's wedding (which was actually my first trip back to Toronto area since last spring) was wonderful - I hadn't realized how much I missed the energy of that city - or the energy of my friends. I was worried that the connections wouldn't be as strong as they were - that so much time had passed and I had neglecting being in contact for so long that things would just be awkward. I was pleasantly delighted that getting together for meals, for tea and for walks around the city with different people just felt natural and normal - I could have been there the week prior. Sure there was a lot to catch up on, but it all felt so comfortable. That's how it should be with good friends. I'm so lucky to have some pretty great people in my life.

I'm going to head back again in March -the trip just left me wanting more!...

I suppose in honour of this whole journal, some sort of comment around adjusting to life in BC... I began this journal as a way of processing it all (and also I suppose of also keeping those back home up to date). I feel settled here - my apartment feels as much like home as anything could at this stage in my life. Work has gotten about ten thousand times better - the hard work of those left of the team has paid off and the new people who've started lately have brought some fresh energy and it's just generally a happier place to be. People are choosing our facility as well - which is an amazing success. I used to call people and they'd cry and hang up on me when I gave bed offers. That was just not fun.

I still sometimes wonder how things would different if I hadn't moved out here - but just for fun and not in a weird obsessively regretful way like I used to.

I'm glad I chose this. Hard as it's been. I've grown.

I don't have much more to write at the moment. But I'm glad I've broken the ice with this whole journal thing. I'm going to make an effort to come back to it more often.

Oh and just because I like having plugs - see Juno - it is absolutely adorably funny and awkward.

Tonight, I organized some stuff in my apartment. When I came across some photographs from this past Christmas, I absolutely fell apart.

I spoke to my mom tonight and heard an update about dad. He's making progress, although it is slow going. The doctor's saying he went to rehab too early. He's speaking in very simple sentences still. I had thought that was just because of the morphine and the fact that he was exhausted when I was there visiting with him. Maybe it's that he's still tired, but honestly, I'm a bit nervous that it's due to the damage from the stroke, and that full sentences won't come back. Time will tell I suppose.

I wish I were there with them. It's so hard being so far away. It's frustrating how every time the phone rings, my heart stops for a second because I get nervous that it's bad news.

He's using a wheelchair to get around now. Mom told me tonight that he said he doesn't want to live if he has to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life (which is what he said when I was there as well). We all hope he can walk again. It just makes me so angry that this has happened now, when life has finally slowed down for them. Now that he was working an eight hour day and could spend time on hobbies and interests. And those things he loves - the cottage, camping... who knows if those will be possibilities anymore.

I know life involves change and that nothing ever stays the same... but it doesn't stop me from needing to grieve the reality that some things will never be the same.

I suppose at last, an entire week after getting back to Vancouver and being seperated from the day to day caregiving tasks, it's hit me. There are so many implications to all of this, and so very many feelings that are absolutely overwhelming.

Certain events in our lives cause us to step back and really reevaluate things. A tragedy is one of those things. On the 14th of April, a tragedy crept it's way into the lives of everyone in my family, and it's impact on me has been enormous.

My dad suffered a 'cerebral hemmorhage' (a stroke in his cerebelum). At the beginning, symptoms involved nausea and vomitting - to the clinic, it looked like the flu. My dad knew though, after a day or so that it wasn't a normal flu - his symptoms changed, he had numbness in one arm and his face dropped on his left side - so my mom took him to the hospital (he was at home when the stroke happened), where they admitted him promptly. After several CT Scans and an MRI, they determined that it was a stroke, and it affected his cerebellum, which is the part of the brain responsible for balance and mobility. The stroke occured due to his diabetes and high blood pressure. He went for a six hour surgery, where they were successfully able to drain the blood and fluids that had built up. After surgery, apparently his blood pressure was up to 220/98. I never even knew it could go that high!! After the surgery, he went to ICU for two days, where his high blood pressure was brought down and he was stabalized medically. He spend about a week on the neurological unit of St. Joseph's Hospital in Sudbury, and just this past Monday, they transferred him to an acute rehabilitation unit where he will stay for 6-8 weeks to try to regain the abilities which he has lost due to the damage to the brain. It has been a difficult time for the family, especially for my dad, but gradually, things are looking up.

As far as his current abilities go, he is able to talk and cognitively quite alert - sense of humour and cynicism are certainly in tact. He is able to move all of his limbs, however his coordination is a bit lacking at times. He is on a number of medications, including those for pain, which is of course impacting his coordination. He has been sitting up in a chair and eating his meals - though at the beginning that was a major challenge due to the nausea and vomitting he experienced. He is kean to get up and walking again, however he realizes that it's going to take time and physio for him to be able to do that. The neurologist that performed is surgery is optimistic that he will be able to walk again, however it is always difficult to say as it depends how much damage has been done.

My mom called me on the 17th (which was the night before dad's surgery) to tell me that he was in hospital. As soon as I found out, I knew I had to go back to Sudbury - no question. My mom has never asked for my help, never once, but she asked me to go help her. Adam was sweet enough to arrange the flight and set up a rental car and even offered to drive me to Sudbury from Toronto - which was just what I needed him to do because I really was in no state to concentrate or organize anything. We flew out of Vancouver on the night of the 18th. After an all night flight (after I swore I'd never take the the redeye again) and a five hour drive, Adam dropped me off at the hospital where I saw my dad in ICU. What a sight - tubes and monitors hooked up to every part of him. His beard (which he's had since I was about five years old) was shaved off by the nurses, and he was lying in that bed holding his head in such an awkward position (he was unable to turn his head to the left). Considering how much morpheine he was on and that he's come out of brain surgery less than twenty four hours previously, he looked pretty good. He cried when he saw me and kept telling me I shouldn't have come because I "had a plan" (I think he was referring to work). A few minutes later he told me how happy he was to see me and that it was nice to see me smile. It took everything in me not to fall apart at that very moment. There is something in experiencing the reality of impermanence - and realizing that the people who have been there from the very beginning of one's existance will leave this life at one point. I know that sounds so obvious, and sure, we all know it in theory - but when such a tragedy strikes, it really hits home.

The time dad was in ICU was a dark and difficult time - he was noticably (and understandably) down emotionally. He said a lot of things to me that I know he needed to get out, but that were extremely difficult for me to hear. It's amazing - I spend my workdays helping families to cope with such moments, yet when I myself am faced with such a moment, I find myself at such a loss for words. I suppose sometimes the best thing to do is listen. My dad came out of surgery with a lot of difficult things to come to terms with - unable to walk, unable to get out of bed without a lot of help, swallowing difficulties (which meant pureed diet for that first little bit)... Such a loss of independence for a man who has always been incredibly independent, strong and self reliant. The realization that he may not be able to work (and his work is something that has always defined him in many ways), or drive... I cannot even begin to imagine what those realizations must have been like for him. Certainly not easy things to come to terms with. It breaks my heart to think of how hard these weeks have been for him.

His strength and resiliance will serve him well in the coming months of rehabilitation - he will have to put so much energy into the physiotherapy programs. I've heard good things about the hospital he's at and about the staff who work there - so I'm optimistic that they will bring him back to the level he'll be able to get to. They will also provide him the encouragement he'll need to keep pushing himself.

I told him I need him to learn to walk again so that he can walk me down the aisle when I get married. He told me he'd do one better and dance with me.

I can't imagine not having a dance with him at my wedding. I just can't.

Once he got out of ICU and was on the neurological unit, things stabalized. He didn't need all the monitors and he was taken off the pureed food (which boosted his spirits so much). I went over every day for lunch, and spent a chunk of the afternoon with him, just the two of us. It was very special time for me. Sometimes we would talk about things - he'd tell me stories I'd never heard from his past, we'd talk about my mom and how we can help her get through this, we'd talk about my brother and how he's grown up ... We had some wonderful conversations. Sometimes, he'd be too tired and he would just sleep and I would sit and flip through a magazine and upload new music and cbc podcasts to his ipod. Some days, he would cry. Others, he would give me advice - about places I ought to go, relationships, career choices... He's a very smart man with so much in him to give.

Our relationship has had it's struggles over the years, but I think ultimately it's because fundamentally he and I are so much alike - independant, with fiesty tempers at times, with high expectations of ourselves and each other. There was something about being there at his bedside - helping him with things he once helped me with when I was a child - something which just made none of the past conflicts matter. In fact, so much seems to not matter anymore.

On the first night in Sudbury, Adam told me I was mumbling a lot in my sleep. At one point, in my sleep, I apparenty grabbed his arm and told him "That just doesn't matter now". I have no idea what precisely I was referring to - it could have been one of a number of things.

Last weekend, four of my dad's good friends from southern Ontario all made the drive to visit my parents. It was wonderful to see them, and even better was to see how my dad lit up when they were around. There was such laughter in the room, and his strength was really building - he was sitting in the chair longer for his meals, and taking more steps with the nurses' help. Last Saturday night, after helping dad with supper at the hospital, we all went out to supper at East Side Marios. Looking around the table and my mom and their friends, I realized how time just creeps by. These are people who always comment on "how much older I look" and whatnot. I looked around the table and thought that of them on Saturday night. They're all calling themselves "geezers" and verging on retirement. Their closeness is an inspiration, and the natural way they interact. They feel like family. It did feel weird being all together without my dad there. I knew the jokes he'd laugh the hardest at, and I missed the way he would have looked at me with those proud eyes he always has whenever I talk about my work.

The night at dinner really made me start to rethink where I'm living. When I think about what matters to me in my life, the first thing that comes to mind without hesitation is the people. Who are mostly in Ontario. Friends that inspire me and I cherish like family. And of course, my family as well. I want to be there with my parents as they grow older - I don't want to be a five hour flight away. That said, I also don't see myself living in Sudbury. But the GTA... much as it's not beautiful like Vancouver, and the climate frustrates me (especially the hot hot summers), and the pollution is painful... Maybe it just is where I belong for now... That was the way I was thinking on the weekend, that a move is worth considering. There are so many things about Vancouver that would be so difficult to leave - the climate, the beauty, Adam, Clint, Erica, English Bay, my apartment which is a cozy home now...

I flew back to Vancouver on Sunday, and it was hard to leave my parents in Sudbury to go all the way across the country. It was also the right time to go as dad really stabalized and mom was on top of everything. I will be back there soon enough for another visit (a couple weeks at most from now).

At work on Monday, on the internal job posting board, there is a position available back in Oakville. I have applied for it. I don't even know if I'll be interviewed for it. If I am, I'll begin to sort out if moving back is really what I want for myself. It's a major decision to make. When I came here I never thought I'd move back so fast - I figured (and swore up and down to everyone) that I'd be out here at least five years. Not surprisingly, I may have been exagerating a wee bit....

It is a time of my life which has awoken so much within me, and has really humbled me in so many ways. I learned a lot in my time visiting at the hospital about what the families of our residents go through all the time which I think will really help me to empathize with them better. It's a frustrating system to navigate even when you know something about it! I can't imagine how people get through it knowing nothing about it.

This year has certainly been an emotional one for everyone in my family - especially my parents... Jason going to Chile, me moving to Vancouver, selling the oakville house, dad getting laid off, their move to Sudbury... so many major changes, so much stress... Things had finally slowed down for mom and dad. Dad was calling me at 5 pm leaving me messages about how great it is to be home at that time (having been home for lunch too!). Nothing like those 12-14 hour days he used to work all the time. Maybe it's like when you're really busy with exams - you don't get sick until the day after their finished. It's like somehow your body keeps going and keeps your healthy until you're finished all the craziness... It's a blessing it happened at this point and not when he was at the house in Oakville by himself. Or worse, had he been at work in Toronto. ... Or driving... The hospital facilities up in Sudbury are surprisingly wonderful, which is also such a blessing.

I'm nervous about another stroke in truth. But I am carrying myself with the attitude that I need to cherish the time we have with him - and help make whatever's left the best part...

It's getting late and I ought to head to bed... This update has long been coming, and I think I sort of needed things to stabalize somewhat before I could write it all out.


GET WELL SOON DAD!

"I've got a good father and his strength is what makes me cry."
- Jann Arden song

So I just got back from the most relaxing four day trip to Maui. (we ended up having to come back one day early because we flew standby and there was no room on the sunday flight we were planning to take - otherwise, we would have been stuck in Hawaii until Thursday which my boss would not have liked so much).

Highlights for me:
- getting off the plane and feeling the slower pace right away
- lying in the sunshine on secluded beaches reading and breathing in the fresh air
- chocolate covered macadamia nuts. delicious.
- the live jazz music at yormans, this seafood restaurant. There were big open picture windows looking out on the ocean and although the sunset wasn't postcard worthy, it was gorgeous.



- palm trees


- great conversations with Adam now that we finally got time away from all the stresses from work and everyday life
- the scenic drive to Lahaina and then up the west coast - windows down, curvy road, breathtaking views of the ocean and vallees.



- doing laps in the pool at the condo


- pancakes with macadamia nuts, banana and coconut syrop. Absolute heaven.

Renting a condo was totally the way to go - we bought our own groceries (although they were insanely overpriced as things tend to be on little islands far away from everything), and had a delicious bbq dinner of Mahi Mahi and baked potatos and shrimp squewers. Adam certainly knows how to barbeque. We also got to have a great deal of privacy which was great. It felt like there weren't many people at all at the condo complex. So much nicer than being surrounded with too many americans at some resort. Not that there's anything wrong with Americans, I just don't like crowds.

I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking. There really isn't much more I can say. I needed some time on a beach relaxing so badly. I've been close to burnout for much too long now - doing two jobs for three months is just too much... But the beauty in Hawaii helped me to refresh and regroup. Flying in a plane always makes me aware of how small and trivial most stuff is that I worry about too. So it was a very rejuvinating trip and I'll go back to work this week hopefully with a better attitude about the whole thing.













We found a beach called Fleming Beach that must be the most beautiful beach I've ever spent a day and had a picnic at




Although my entire body is a bit sunburnt and I feel ridiculously exhausted, the trip was so well worth it. We did a whole lot of reading and relaxing on secluded beaches. Unfortunately for Adam, there was absolutely no surf, so he wasn't able to go surfing, which was the one thing he really wanted to do. (and he wanted to convince me to learn). On our drive to the airport on Saturday evening, we stopped at a beach to watch the sunset, and that happened to be where we finally found surf... unfortunately without enough time to actually go surfing though. We'll have to go back again sometime.



I feel so lucky to have gotten to see such beautiful places... Hawaii is close to as gorgeous as Costa Rica... although not quite. Relaxing in paradise is the perfect way to recharge the batteries...

... 20 sleeps ...

I
can
not
wait
to
sit
on
a
beach

I have had the most fantastic weekend. Aislinn's here from Toronto visiting, and it's been wonderful getting to have some quality time with her. We have shopped, eaten cupcakes, watched a documentary called "Jesus Camp", caught up on all the girl talk, and had a great night out on the town. My favourite part about having her around is just feeling comfortable and home around her. I guess it feels that way anytime any of my friends from Ontario are around. It is starting to sound like she'll come out here for school in the fall as well, which is fantastic news. I have missed our late night chats and the ways that she inspires me to do more with myself. She always makes sure to take time out for things that she's interested in, and I really admire that. She's even taken up ballet classes. In honour of that, on her birthday cupcake, we bought a plastic ballerina.


Because I've been bothered by many, particularly the parents, to see a photo of Adam - I finally have one to show:



Aislinn did a wonderful job blowing out her cupcake candles, despite the fact that we were completely butchered the happy birthday song.



We went out to Moxies for martinis and dinner with Sam and Adam. Moxies is this great restaurant that Will introduced me to on Davie Street - it's swanky, and very reasonably priced, plus the food is delicious. Great place to go if you want to get all dressed up but don't want to spend too much money.



Afterwards, we headed out to the Plaza where they had some live rock music (Jets Overhead), followed by dancing with a dj playing top 40 / and some old school music. It was a great time. We were lucky enough to find ourselves a big circular booth.

the band


It was a really fantastic night. I haven't had a night out drinking in a long while, and it felt good to feel young again. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my work life and so exhausted from it all, I start to feel so old.


Aislinn vogueing. We're really not sure what Sam is doing.


See no evil. Speak no evil. Hear no evil. We're drunk.


We don't recall what was happening here. It might have something to do with pretending to be dinosaurs.

Being that it's Sunday, there are new secrets up on the postsecret website. This one in particular caught my eye:



Especially because of the commentary below:

"From the film Garden State:

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? Even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

This text really resonated with me. I've written on and on about it on here and in my paper journal even since I left my parents house in Oakville, and even more still once the house was sold. It's a very bizarre feeling to get used to. I suppose that's because the safeness you feel at home is one that you figure you'll never stop feeling.

I'm in a really good head space these days. We've hired somebody officially for the Recreation Manager position, and he'll be coming out (from ontario) in a bit under a month. So that means this double load will subside in a month, which will be awesome. The days are getting longer, we're getting a lot more light into the evenings and I am a happy girl. I've been redecorating my place little by little, and I'm really happy with the way it's looking these days. I'll post some new pictures at some point soon.

We're going to watch the Oscars this evening and eat some nachos and yam fries. Best thing about Aislinn being around is the quality snacks :)

Has a month actually gone by since my last entry? It's close to 1 a.m. and due to all the coffee I've consumed this evening, I am finding myself absolutely wired for the first time in weeks. I am also sitting up waiting for my hair to air dry before bed so I don't wake Aislinn with my hair dryer. She's out visiting checking out the campuses of SFU and UBC for the next week. It's so wonderful to see her, and even more wonderful that she may be moving out here in a matter of months. It would be great to be able to have our girl nights again on a regular basis. I miss her a lot, and although we take several hours out every two weeks or so to catch up, it's not the same.

So where has this month gone? I have been left messages asking what has happened to me. I'd been good for some time with the regular entries for a long while there... and then we lost the Recreation Manager at work and I've been taking on that position's crucial duties as well as looking after my own job responsibilities. It's meant a ridiculous number of 12 + hour days, which in the nursing home is not surprisingly unbelievably emotionally overwhelming. This past month I've dealt with a woman in a psychotic episode convinced her son was on his way to pick her up to take her to australia because her daughter just died. She packed up her suitcase and waiting at the front door and would not be convinced of anything else. Another lady with bipolar disorder fell into a deep suicidal depression and I got the difficult job of confiscating the straight razor blades she was trying to slit her wrists with and talking her down. Or trying to at least. Then I drove her to speak with the psychiatrist and she tried to jump out of my car on the highway. : S Then there was the man who's dead body remained at the home six hours because the agency that looks after his finances would not return our calls to approve a funeral home come to pick it up and the funeral home would not come without that approval. And the man who insists on smoking pot throughout the building. And the lady who is dead convinced that she has to get home because her mom has dinner ready for her and she will not be redirected from the front door. I could go on.

It's incredible the sort of scenarios that come up day in day out. I broke down about two weeks ago now. It was the first time in my short career that I've ever actually stopped and cried about how hard it can be at times. When people learn what I do for a living, the first thing they say is usually "that must be so depressing" or "that must be so hard". I've always said I don't find it depressing at all, because it's so rewarding. But that's much easier to say when the days last eight hours and I can have time to unwind and engage in hobbies and get exercise. This past month though, I have more or less breathed work. The time that I do have off, I'm so exhausted that I can barely keep myself awake. I started to think I really can't handle it - the way it breaks my heart to see the residents who are neglected by their families, or the ones who have lost their minds... the way no matter how much effort I put in or how many hours I work, there's always someone needing more.

I don't want this entire entry to be a giant complaint. There has been such wonder in my recent life. Things with Adam are going really well. I adore the way we connect and how genuine and real he is. There are no games, and he does not smother me in the slightest. We have fun together and have similar energy waves - he's great for just vegging with when I'm overtired, or heading out on the town with when I'm wired. We finally went up Grousse Mountain two weekends back - went up the gondola on a beautiful clear afternoon. The view from up there is spectacular. We walked around and I took some photos. They have this fantastic restaurant with enormous windows overlooking Vancouver. We had dinner while the sun set and afterwards stood outside for a while looking at the city lights. It was the most beautiful evening I've experienced in some time.

I suppose one could say we're getting a bit serious. We're planning a trip to Hawaii in April (over the easter weekend) - which will be a much needed break for both of us.

Aislinn is out here visiting right now, checking out the universities. I'm really hoping she decides to come to school out here. It would mean that now I'd have my two best friends out here with me. Sam moved out at the end of January, and it has been wonderful being able to have him close. He's been quite busy getting settled in his job and organizing his apartment and having a friend from back home visiting, so I haven't seen too much of him lately, but I imagine that's soon to change. He's got a great deal of energy and it's nice knowing he's just around the corner again. Weird thing about him moving out here... he moved out here on January 29th - six months to the day after I moved out here. And his flight was at the exact same time as mine, despite the fact that we flew different airlines. Our lives have had these odd ways of being connected and inline over the years. The coincidences never cease to surprise me.

There's this new ritual out here, every thursday night, a group of us have been going out to the 'como'. It's a pub close by. It's great having a ritual again - though nothing'll compare to ritual with the boys back in odot. I feel like I've got a good circle of friends, which is so nice- it feels like home out here now. It's been cool getting to know Tony and Lindsay better - they're both really interesting people with contageous energy. Erica and Clint are wonderful - though overworked and stressed out as well these days. They're planning a trip to whistler in March which will be pretty sweet. Just the thought of chilling in a hot tub and playing some board games at a chalet excited me so much.... They recently celebrated their six year anniversary. It's hard to imagine for me being with someone that long. I think it's fantastic though, they're a really great couple.

I'm going to try to work less from now on. My two students have been working out really well - they're both really passionate and kean, and they've really kept me somewhat sane through all the chaos. They've lightened the load a bit, although mentoring them is one of the things that's been keeping me rather busy. I asked if they'd hire one for even a contract for a few months just to spread some of the work out so I we can be sure the recreation department stays afloat but they've said no to that request. That makes me feel a little bitter and makes me uninclined to work all that extra time. Especially because spring is in the air a bit these days, and I want to enjoy the lifestyle that I moved out here for - and lately, I've just been crashing from being so overworked. Dishes have been piling up and I'm way overdue for laundry. I miss my piano. And writing. And keeping in touch with people back home. And walking by the water. And reading. And feeling in shape. No job is worth sacrificing all that. It's hard though because it's not in my personality to not be thorough and do everything to the best of my ability.

We have hired someone for the Rec manager job, who starts in one month. So once they arrive, everything will be back to a reasonable work load. And hopefully soon enough I'll have more to talk about beyond complaining about work.

When I learned last week that my mom's best friend is dying of cancer because the treatments didn't work, and her prognosis is one month, I realized how frustrating it is being so far away when difficult times come about. I really wish I could transplant everyone from my life. The more time I spend here, the more I really want to settle and stay here. It just feels like where I belong.

It's probably time to get ready for bed. I have to be work for 7 tomorrow morning, which is going to come so soon...

This past week in the span of a few moments, I was able to have a rather large question answered that I never imagined I'd have an answer to:
what would have happened had I stayed in Ontario?

I learned this week that my old job is available. The lady who came back from maternity leave is leaving again because her husband has been transfered to Calgary.

What this all means was had I gone to Europe for six months as I'd planned, I would have been back in Ontario in March, which is when the job is available - I would have gone right back into my old position and it would have been like having a six month holiday in Europe.

But I chose a different path.

It's quite common to wonder those "what if" sort of questions. I never thought the alternative scenario would have been painted so clearly.

I suppose it could have also been painted countless different ways ... I could have found myself in Europe and fallen head over heals for some incredible guy with an Irish accent and decided to stay there. ... But I don't want to speculate possibilities - because I could go on for hours.

My reaction to learning about the job surprised me. I went into my bosses office, laughing at the irony of the timing of it all, and then when I finished telling him, I burst out in tears. I never thought I would have responded like that. It just hit me hard. I adored that place. Everyday I went home feeling inspired, feeling part of something and feeling I was really making a difference and touching people's lives. Where I'm at now, so much of every day is this uphill climb - I struggle with it at times, I really do. The thought of going back to that comfortable position with the incredible team - knowing I'd have job security because the place is in no risk of being shut down or sold (unlike where I'm at now) - I'll be honest, it's appealing.

But then I think about all the negatives - the QEW, the pollution, the fast pace, the ridiculously hot summers, the fact that Sam is about to move out here, and that Aislinn may move out here in the fall... I'm making friends here, starting a new relationship with Adam, and in the beginning of January, it finally started to feel like home here... There are positives too - being close to my friends - able to build some bonds that have started to suffer since I moved out here - being close to family, in a familiar place, having the family cottage...

There is such a need for me here though - even though there is a sense of uncertainty as to what will happen to the place as the years go by. It needs to be fought for, and I have just the sort of fiestiness necessary to stick up for the place, because it really isn't as bad as the reputation makes it seem... Although, like anything, it's not perfect.

So needless to say, it all was an overwhelming sort of emotional weight having this consider.

I got together with Noah for coffee the other night. We haven't seen each other since back in November so it was nice to catch up. He pointed out that a big part of me coming out here was knowing the home was in some trouble and wanting to play a part in fixing things. There is some positive momentum and there's this wonderful potential here to make a major difference. Back at the old place, sure I'd make a difference, but things there are running pretty smoothly as is. A big part of why I'm in this field is because there's this overwhelming need. And I've never seen such a concentration of older people who have no one to advocate for them or visit them as I have at my job here. They need someone. And I am not prepared to walk away from them, or this fight for the home.

I am going to give it some more thought over the weekend, because it is a pretty huge decision... but I'm pretty certain I've made my mind up at this moment - it's just too early right now. Maybe in another six months or a year, it'd be better timing wise.

It's astonding though how growing up puts us in such complicated positions though.

This new year seems to be off to a rather fantastic start.

Vancouver is yet again covered in the most beautiful blanket of snow. Everyone here is losing their minds and lots of things are cancelled - but it's so pretty.

Some things that have happened thus far that are awesome:

- I have two practicum students who are with me at work and it's going to be quite fantastic because they're really smart and passionate - they'll lighten my load bunches and hopefully learn a lot as well
- I learned Sam is moving out here Feb. 1st for work. They've given him a three year project in Richmond. It'll be so nice to have another friend in Vancouver - and who better than one I've been closest to for a decade?!
- Nick's visit - such a highlight. When he sang Les Mis and I played piano, I teared up. It's been so many years and was so wonderful to do that which we used to do.
- Things are changing at work, and many of them are resulting in some very positive things coming to the forefront, which I couldn't be happier about.
- New relationships excite me and I'm finding myself in one that leaves me wanting more everytime - and that is ever so refreshing.

That's about it for an update. Right now, I can hear people driving around slipping and slidding because they have dull tires and the roads are quite slippery. Not sure what the commute tomorrow will bring. Maybe I'll be lucky and we'll have a snow day - that'd be nice. ...

Apparently a number of school have already announced they'll be closed tomorrow... we'll see if the bridges stay open.

It's a wee bit late in coming, but it's been an incredibly busy week - with tons going on at work and having Nick here visiting from Ottawa, I've had little time to update - but Happy New Year.

We rang in 2007 on Sunday night with a small gathering at my apartment. It's the first time I've stayed in for a quiet new years in years. Normally, I've been at rather loud bars/clubs and end up drinking to the point of vomit. This year, I drank to the point of consuming ridiculous amounts of chocolate fondue and making random phone calls to friends back in Ontario. It was a great night. We played sequence, ate a gigantic mountain of nachoes and told stories. In a word, I guess it was cozy. I love hosting parties - I have since I was young - and I'm so glad that at this point I have some people to have over.

Nick flew in New Years morning, and after picking him up the airport we went for a fantastic breakfast with Clint, Erica and Tony. Over breakfast, Clint was quite enthusiastic about doing the polar bear dip in English Bay. Being someone who is easily convinced to go in water any time of year, I agreed and we convinced Tony as well. Adam joined us and filmed the dip and Erica photographed. It was much colder than we were expecting, and since it was cold and raining that day - it was pretty miserable. But so exhillerating - and a very fantastic way to ring in a new year. We had decided rather than doing the dip at English Bay beach where tons of people do it (and you pay money to do it - because you get a commemorative tshirt), we would do our own on second beach, so we weren't stuck in a crowd of old men. Here are some photos of us in our pasty white glory:







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I've spent each evening last week with Nick, mostly just spending quality 1:1 time together, catching up. I haven't seen him since I left Ontario back in July, and although we've often gone six months (sometimes more) without seeing each other, it never feels like it's been long since we were together. We've always gotten along so well and I really enjoy his company. It's been nice having him around after those really stressful days I've been having at work lately.

...Back in the middle of December, I alluded to feeling attracted to a guy and left things rather ambiguous and lacking in detail in that entry. There are certain things I don't like to share on here - and certain things that time has to be right for me to share. His name is Adam, and he's the cousin of a friend of mine who I've been spending time with weekly since the fall. We very much were building a friendship that I was quite enjoying, but in December, things progressed to a more romantic level... which happens to be something I am exceptionally excited about. He really makes me laugh with his cynical sarcastic wit. We're opposite in all sorts of ways that somehow seem to work quite nicely together. I feel a great energy when we're together and he's an incredibly nice guy. Who knows where things will go - we are taking it slow, getting to know each other, and focusing on quality time rather than worrying about planning and details and definitions. I did let him call me his girlfriend however, so I suppose we have something somewhat official on our hands these days.

Today in the mail I received a pleasant surprise. Matthew sent me a Christmas card along with a cd of photos. Matthew is always snapping photos - and it a rare thing to actually see those photos... so on this cd are moments that he's captured over the past several years of us being friends. Some of them really made me laugh, others warmed my heart and made me long for my favourite places. Many of the spots Matthew and I frequented when we hung out were places that truly felt like home to me. I appreciated the little reminder of those spots. Matthew has a great eye, and takes beautiful photographs. Of all the Christmas gifts, this was most certainly my favourite one...

here are a couple of my favourite shots...


Matthew and I


Story time at a pub in Toronto


Eye test with Aislinn


Goodbye to Nick


this picture just plain makes me laugh. I have never seen such a silly photo. At the CNE with Ryan and Matthew in 2005

more photos

Matthew is a wonderful person. i miss our talks. We used to get together at least once every two weeks, and would do something random and spend hours and hours talking about everything under the sun - relationships, religion, social issues, sexuality, death... He's a great friend and this special gift of moments in favourite places really means a lot to me.

For the third time in the past three months, I find myself in Ontario. Thursday evening I headed to the Vancouver airport (via a taxi that drove ridiculously fast with a driver that cursed top volume at every red light). I was quite lucky as Adam was working that night, and was able to sneak away for a while to wait with me in the terminal before the plane boarded. He actually sat with me and waited until it was time to get on the plane, despite his coworkers sitting in the cockpit of one of the planes flashing the lights at us. It was much appreciated, as that time spent waiting in an airport seems to take forever. I took the redeye, and I have to say I don't know that I'll be doing that again anytime soon. I couldn't sleep on the plane because of all the turbulance. Sam picked me up, and I ended up completely crashing at his place until 3:00 p.m, which I felt awful about because we'd planned to go shopping for the day. He ended up leaving without me. When he got back, we had dinner with his family, and Ryan came over as well. I always enjoy dinners at their place - great conversations and lots of laughter. We all went out to a bar in Oakville and met up with a bunch of old high school friends - many of whom I haven't seen in years. It was wonderful catching up with everyone. I even ran into Steve - a guy I used to work with at Blacks way back in the day. That's the best part of Christmas to me - everybody coming together. All the chaos of everyday life pauses - and it's all about coming together. It was great that we were able to get such a good group together.

For the first year I can remember, I had all of my Christmas shopping done prior to christmas eve. Everything was even wrapped. It was a frugal Christmas, and I honestly liked it better that way. I've been up in Sudbury with the family since Saturday, drinking eggnog, eating cookies, catching up, and just generally relaxing. It's so wonderful how my parents have made their new house feel like home, despite the fact that there are still boxes scattered throughout the house. I've had lots of quality time with my brother - from the seven hour drive up, to helping him do his shopping on Christmas eve [for the record, if you have last minute shopping to do, go to Sudbury, because the malls aren't busy at all!].

Not too much else to report. I've watched some movies, read a chunk of my book, and gotten caught up on some much needed sleep. Tomorrow morning we're having our old neighbours over for pancake brunch. I haven't seen them in over a decade - so that will be interesting to say the least.

For Christmas, I got just what I wanted... an external harddrive for my laptop so I'll finally have enough space to start editing all those videos I've been taking... everyone can expect dvds as gifts from me next year ;) My brother got me this really cozy robe, which will be perfect for after a bubble bath with the aromatic oils from the body shop that Sam gave me. This new year will involve so much relaxing and slowing down my pace - I want to focus on connecting with people (both my new friends, and the old ones), and building my hobbies. I also want to spend some quality time exploring vancouver... which shall begin this Friday with a trip up Grousse Mountain because I have learned there is a skating rink up there - how unbelievably amazing!

Of all the gifts though, the best thing was getting a trip back. It's weird to call it home. It's Sudbury, which is where I grew up and thus technically home, but the house is different. All the stuff remains the same, but it is "my parents' house" very much so, regardless of the fact that their basement houses a few odds and ends of mine. Great to get to spend such quality time with my brother before he heads off to Chile for the next bunch of months.

I'll leave you with a quote that was on a gift I gave my mom...

Having a place to go, is a home.
Having someone to love, is a family.

Happy Holidays

Sometimes things come at me out of nowhere, and I find myself pleasantly delighted. This would count as one of those times.

I feel so inspired right now. So alive.

Despite things at work being painfully frustrating. Despite feeling like I have had zero time to myself the past couple weeks. It's intense. And wonderful.

I don't want to jump the gun and get too excited about things. I tend to do that pre-emptively all the time and end up frustrated and disappointed. But then the other side of my brain tells me not to be cynical and to keep that naive optimism alive because it's one of the characteristics of childhood that I always wanted to keep within me. It makes this part so fun - so exciting.

Who'd have thought we'd have so much in common? Who'd have thought our energies would be so in sync? Who'd have thought we'd have such chemistry?

...

I certainly didn't expect it.

But am pleasantly delighted by it.

Thursday night may have been the scariest night of my life. I was sleeping soundly when all of a sudden I awoke to my apartment shaking and the windows rattling like crazy. I woke up in an absolute panic, my head spinning. I honestly thought it was an earthquake. I positioned myself between the door frame of my bedroom, bracing myself for the worst. I realized that aside from getting in a doorway, I really have no idea what to do in an earthquake. They don't teach that sort of emergency preparedness back east. I'll have to read up, just in case. As I woke up a bit and things were clearer, I realized that it was not an earthquake, that it was just intense winds. I went up to the window to check out the storm (garbage bags, newspapers and all sorts of other random things were flying all over the place). The wind was so strong, the windows were rattling like crazy, and upon closer inspection I realized they were curved slightly inwards. SCARY. My power was out and I was quite spooked - realizing how alone one is in a potential emergency crisis is really terrifying. I went back to bed but really couldn't get to sleep because of the noise. It was rather unsettling.

I awoke on Friday to no power here, and the Lions Gate Bridge was closed, which meant to get to work I had to take the long way to the other bridge. It took me two hours. I really should have taken the sea bus instead. Power was out everywhere, so it was treat each intersection as a four way stop. Most people don't seem to understand what that means though and the people who do understand it end up honking, but that doesn't actually teach anyone anything. So by the time I got to work I had a headache.

Because the power at work was out, it meant no phones, no computers, and ultimately, not much I could do. So I went to each floor and played some Christmas songs. And then left early because I wanted to get back here with enough time to get stuff ready for my party.

The party here was a really great time. Erica invited a bunch of people, and we had lots of food, drinks and good conversations. A lot of her friends are quite musical. One guy brought this cool instrument from Japan that's kind of like a violin, but much neater. .. Erhu I think it's called? It was neat. and then we had some piano time, and Erica's friend Will (who reminds me a lot of my friend Nick) sang. He's got an incredible voice and this wonderful energy when he sings - very engaging. Will helped me make eggnog from scratch and it turned out really tasty.

We played some cranium and I was really happy that people were into it, because that game is always so much more fun when you've got teams and that competitive energy flows. It was a close game overall - although Clint, Erica and Adam won by a tiny bit.

I'm really not looking forward to this week at work, it's going to be pretty intense for a bunch of different reasons that I can't so much get into.

But, Thursday night I head to Ontario on the red eye. Adam is actually checking my plane before it leaves, which is pretty neat, so I'll know it's safe. Unless he's trying to kill me. but somehow, I doubt that. Friday morning I'll arrive in Toronto at 6:30 a.m. and will spend the day with Sam and catching up with whomever is about (and likely finishing my christmas shopping, as at this point I have only really gotten stuff for stockings).

I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend and am feeling quite energized to make it through the next four days until my trip back to ontario. As of Friday, all the money for the Oakville house have gone through, so it is officially sold and not ours anymore. That's such a weird thing. I haven't decided if while I'm in Oakville I'll want to pass by it or not. It'll be weird to think I can't just go into the backyard to get that key rock and let myself inside. ... Although, my parents might have left the key rock there and forgot about it... hehe... nah, I'm done with that house. It is full of memories, but it's not home anymore.

This January 28th, in honour of Alzheimer Awareness Month, I am taking part in the Walk for Memories. I am organizing a team of walkers through work. You all know how dear to my heart this cause is. Everyday I spend time working with individuals affected by this disease and their families. Watching someone gradually slip away can be just devastating for families - it's the slowest drawn out sort of grief I've ever witnessed - one mixed with moments of lucidity that simply serve as harsh reminders of what the person used to be. It is a dreadful disease that robs people of their minds - their identities, their memories, and their ability to retain information. It is a frightening world for people with Alzheimer's, and I strive everyday to make their time a little bit easier as the quest for a cure continues.

I do hope that you'll be able to take part in this in some way - be it through a donation, or perhaps in taking part in a walk, or even just taking a few minutes to read the Alzheimer Society webpage and become acquainted with the disease. There are so many misconceptions about it. [Information about Alzheimer Disease]

Please click to support


If you're in BC and want to join my team, please let me know.

This past weekend was fantastic. I learned a bunch of things. Ryan was in town for the weekend visiting his cousin Adam for some snow boarding at Whistler. I went out with them on Friday night to my very first punk show. It was fascinating. I wore a black shirt and tall black boots as Adam suggested, and sat back and people watched.

I learned:
- punk boys and girls flirt with each other by pretending to fist fight
- if you're underage, you can get into those shows and drink
- some people actually understand the screaming lyrics
- punk music really has some great energy
- apparently when a punk boy slams into you, it means he's telling you "you're cute"
- the music creates this wonderful community of people who understand each other - and those who feel particularly misunderstood are drawn to it
- there's no door on the guys' washroom and for some reason there's a urinal right there - and that doesn't stop people from using it

I liked it. Though my hearing suffered a wee bit, and I drank a little bit too much for my stomach's liking, I learned things and enjoyed myself. I realized it was my first late night out drinking since that first night when I moved here. It was greatly overdue I think ;) It was complete with a trip to the Naam afterwards for some nachos and milkshakes and not getting home until 4 a.m.

Saturday was spent catching up on sleep, and then I got together with Ryan and Adam again for some Thai food for dinner. We ended up watching hockey, the movie 'Saw' (absolutely intense, and quite a bit better than the first one), and then played video games (I learned that I'm not nearly as good at old school nintendo as I used to be back in the day - but I blame it on the weird xbox controllers). It was a really great time.

I picked up my degree this weekend from FedEx. That was an exciting moment. Although I didn't go to my graduation ceremony at York, I still got to smile proudly when I opened that envelope. Lots of hard work has paid off for certain.

I'm watching the Grinch Who Stole Christmas right now - the old traditional version - and am anxious about Christmas. I love this time of year so much. I'm going to start my Christmas shopping this week (I know, it's about time!) and am having some friends over on Friday evening for some eggnog and holiday cheer. Although it won't compare to my traditional dinner party at my parents' place, it'll be fun - and I'm glad that I'm starting some new traditions. Saturday night a lady from work is having a shindig with some people over, and then Sunday night is the work party at a hotel in town. It'll be much festive cheer and then next Friday I head back to Ontario. I can't believe how quickly time is flying by! It'll be 2007 before I know it!

I learned today that a resident from the nursing home back in Ontario passed away over the weekend. She was a sweetheart and one that I'd connected with for a couple years (from back when I had a student placement at the home). The was the first person I met that was over 100. Incredibly polite, quite cognitively aware when we met, and just a beautiful person always helping others. She lived a rich full long life with a family that loved her tremendously. In the end, her mind unfortunately had slipped away from her and she spent more time frustrated and confused than not. It was a blessing that she went - her suffering is finished.

Yet there is something about this death that hit me hard. I cried - and this is the first time I've actually cried over a resident's death. Maybe it's because I couldn't be there for her daughter the way I would have liked to have been. Maybe it's the anticipation of the passing away of other residents that I knew and being at such a distance - unable to attend the funerals and unable to help the families. Maybe it's grieving other losses that I haven't grieved. Maybe it's just reflecting on what that must feel like. Thinking about someone losing a mother conjures up images of Nick when he lost his mom. It's been six months now - amazing how quickly the time just disappears. The images of him during that time are so profound for me. It made me want to call him, but unfortunately because of the time difference, it's way too late. I can't imagine what it feels like losing a parent.

I feel so fortunate to experience the powerful emotional situations that occur in my position. It's has most certainly moulded who I am becoming.

I was thrilled to learn recently that the group of ladies who'd recently lost their mothers who I connected in a Support Group back before I left have continued meeting, and are now calling themselves "Mourning Doves". It's so beautiful to me to know that they're continuing to support one another because the caregiving journey does not end when someone passes away.

Sometimes, things at work are a little bit too real - so much suffering, so much sadness, so much death... And then other times it's just so incredibly rewarding and I feel warm down to my core.

I have decided to start a Support Group for families at the new home. Unfortunately only one lady showed up tonight though. I'm thinking the fact that it's December has a lot to do with it - it's such a crazy month for most people with Christmas and parties, etc. I'll try again in January. I decided since the meeting didn't happen to play some Christmas songs for the residents on the piano before I left. It's such fun hearing them all chime in with the lyrics. Christmas carols are great because no matter how forgetful people are - those songs come out full volume with the right words. They're just so entrenched in people's memories. Several of them crowded around behind me to follow along and read the lyrics. One of the ladies told me it reminded her of when her mother used to play piano and the whole family would sing around the Christmas tree. After I put my coat on and was leaving, they were all still singing songs. I left with a big smile on my face.

This time of year is often a really difficult one for the seniors - for many, there's a lot to miss at Christmas time. Being so far from my family and friends, and not getting to partake in many of our traditions, I'm understanding an ounce of what it's like to have to let go of those sorts of things. It's hard.

I do have a flight booked to go back to Ontario November 22nd (flying out of Vancouver at 11:00 p.m.) and will be there until December 26 at 8:45 p.m. The bulk of time I will be spending in Sudbury of course with the family, starting some new traditions. Although there will be one day and night in Toronto / Oakville.

Stomach butterflies are just delightful.

There is this powerful song, called Into the West. It was used in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I just watched the special features part that talks about the inspiration of the song - it was a teenager with cancer who was a brilliant filmaker. There's a very powerful short film that he made, using the metaphore of the diagnosis of cancer being like a prison sentence. It was very well shot and quite emotion-evoking. I watched it twice over because it really affected me. For a sixteen year old, he certainly created some incredible films. If you happen to have the extended edition, I recommend you take a look at the feature. Erica told me to watch it, and wow. Powerful.

Here's JJ wearing a tshirt about cancer.



"You only regret the things you didn't do.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ZACH!



Zach is so special. He is one of the funnest people I've ever met, and so sincere. I've known him for years (since I met him when he skateboarded back in grade ten). He's incredibly creative, and it's wonderful how even though we don't see each other often anymore, it never feels like much time has passed each time we get together. We have tended to be closest when we're both going through hard times, and have a solid friendship because of that fact. Zach you're awesome and I can't wait to do another road trip with you. I hope your birthday was so special.